She's In The Book Of Life - With An Amazing Future Ahead Of Her

NOTE: I wrote this once for facebook and this week after receiving quite a rude comment here on blogger, I had to go back and read this for myself and for my sanity. However, it's important that I share it here too. So do what you may with what you read, but think before you speak. Please.


As I start this I realize that there is a LOT of different ways that I can choose to go about this, because my thoughts have been quite endless on the subject, but for the sake of moving forward I'm choosing to say it this way.

Part 1: Getting Pregnant Before I Got Married

Having grown up in the household that I did and being raised within the walls of my church, I'm sure it came as a shock to everyone when they found out that I had a baby on the way or to some: that found out after she was born. And most of you knew that I had vowed to wait until I got married to have sex so it was even a bigger shock.

But it happened. I had sex. There's no way around it, there is no excuse. Nothing. I did it. And when I found out that I was pregnant a few things were running through my brain.
1. Love.

2. How do I tell Jose?

3. How do I tell my parents?

4. What will people think of me?

All of which were firing at random rapid speeds sending me to tears before I could even fully register the idea of what the heck was actually happening. And then on top of this I was so sad because pregnancy should never ever start out like this, at least not how I ever imagined it should. I think that it's a celebration and in and of itself, it's harmonious and beautiful. The product of two people totally in love with Jesus and each other...but I felt sadness. Something so great that I began to find my false identity within these feelings.


So I'm gonna talk about the damage I did to myself first:

I had never intended on getting pregnant, in fact I'm sure that nobody would have even known that I had sex...that I could continue on with my life the way that it was....but I did. And my secret was about to become more obvious. As I began to focus more on what I thought other people would think of me and then on top of it, my own feelings of regret, depression, anger....I became more locked up within the house, within these horrible lies infiltrating me. In fact a lot of people will tell you that I didn't really come out much when I was pregnant. I stopped communicating the way that I used to as well. Heck, I didn't even post anything on Facebook until after she was born.

And I think back sometimes and I wonder that if I hadn't of gotten pregnant would I still regret having sex before marriage??

And you know there's this funny thing that happens here...I began on this downward spiral of thoughts. And most of it was mainly my own feelings of regret, of breaking my promise to God, of giving in to my own desires...and when I started to tag myself to some of these horrible labels, I began to do it to Maia too. And it killed. Because after giving birth I went through a rough period where I just felt, emotionally detached.

I wasn't able to forgive myself...

Part 2: The Pregnancy Epidemic

I remember getting a message, actually about 4 messages from people within my church. That had heard through the grapevine and thought I was in need of hearing their opinion. Perhaps I was.

It tore me apart, especially when I had heard that my name came up in a prayer meeting and among my name was the tag "pregnancy epidemic". I'm not a scholar of any sorts but pregnancy isn't the epidemic, it was most definitely the sex. Pregnancy was a result of the sex and it happened to share my secret. But did these women not know that they're own children could be in my spot? What made me different? The fact that I was pregnant. That my situation is no secret. I was livid, angry, and yet I secretely held on to their words because then I'd strut in front of the mirror hold my belly and say, "yup, you're a screw up. And you were right all along, people are judging you". Wrong, I know, but it let me wallow in my self pity longer than I should have been allowed.

Then I received a letter in the mail when I was about 7 months pregnant...and it was an older lady from our local church near to where I was living. She had said that she had some stuff for me and baby Maia and that we had been in her prayers for a while now. The letter went on to say that sin is sin and it's not viewed any differently to God. That I had already been forgiven and that I needed to forgive myself because God had already forgiven me and that he was blessing me with a reminder. A reminder that He speaks truth and that there's a reason that we must obey. She went on to say that I could go two ways: I could view the rest of my life and Maia's life as a big mistake...that I could sit and wallow in my pity and anger and depression. Or that I could use this as my ministry. To speak to other women having gone through what I did or to young woman before they even get an opportunity to give themselves away. That I was now a leader and a teacher. She proclaimed love and joy over my unborn child and I needed to as well.

Granted her words meant a lot at the time and they're still working on me, but everything she wrote was true. And I had let my own thoughts and the thoughts of others get in the way of my life. For almost 8 months I was locked up in my own jail!!!

Part 3: So my point in all of this:

Maia is MY daughter, I had her outside of marriage. Yes. I did. But that doesn't define her OR ME. She is my whole world. She is the most joyful and beautiful piece of God's hand I have ever met. He dances over her and rejoices over her just as much as the next child and she is NO less of a human. My love for her is something that words won't ever describe and if you haven't had a child yet, you'll understand someday.

If you'd like to judge...then judge me, not my daughter...are your words going to hurt me? No, I won't let them, not anymore. Because God is my judge and I have been forgiven. That's the only thing that matters.

To the other young ladies out there that I have met and become close to as well as your children, you are no less of a person to God. You're children are a delight and they have something so valuable to offer the world. Speak words of love and truth, you guys!! Speak it and believe it.

And as much as I love my daughter and I love being a mom! Wait, just wait until you're married. Because it will be SO worth the wait! God is faithful.

Love,
Sonya