Hello. I just read all of your beautiful comments. Wow. I'm not used to recieving so much feedback. I'm trying to catch up on everyone's blogs. Ahhhh one of my most favorite things. I most definitely need my blogging family lately. Things have just been uber complicated. I'm so over draaaamaaaaa *with lame accent ;) * So I'm going on 22 years young and beleive me, I feel like I'm 55 with wrinkles on my butt...orrrr not.
So the big question is...what the crap is so freaking wrong that she can possibly feel the wrinkles on her butt forming as she writes? Eh. It's truly been a struggle. And I know that there are deeper issues than the visible but um lately some things have come about and surfaced. But it's life right? We roll with the punches...or round house kicks in the face (in this case). I grew up in a divorced family. And believe me, it was HARD. And to feel deep heartache at 6 years old is not what any parent has in mind for their child. But I did. And I'm almost 22 years old. I am still struggling with it. In fact, it came to visit me a few days ago. My mom, who has been in a relationship for 17 years (since divorcing my father) has now in fact fallen in love with another man and left my step father. I don't know that I personally can handle another "fatherly figure" in fact I can't just forget the last. I really grew close to him and my heart...is aching for him deeply. The part I struggle the most with is feeling bitterness towards my mom. Bitterness towards everyone. I don't want someone new. I don't want things to change. I don't want to have a new family. Selfish as it sounds...what do I do? How am I supposed to feel?
Recently, with having Maia, I have come to realize how much my life has changed. Jose is finishing school and I don't find it fair to let him not see Maia grow up...so with that comes this whole new life. A temporary life. I live out of a suitcase. I fly back and forth between two countries and sleep in guest beds, guest rooms, and I don't print pictures because I can't put them up...because I have to take them down again. I don't have my own pillow or a closet or dresser with clothes. I pick 5 pairs of shoes so that I don't put my suitcase over 50 lbs. Maia has never had her own room. I feel...just temporary. And to have my mom's relationship to just suddenly end after 17 years of solidity...is hard. Because now it's just another temporary person...a filler to get you through. And I'm tired of it. I'd like to have some sort of normality or schedule.
The picture above...is my most beautiful daughter. The sacrifice that I've CHOSEN to make is for her. I KNOW that things are temporary right now (for me) but she has a relationship with her father and me and that is EXTREMELY important. That's the most important thing for her. Knowing this, makes my burden a little lighter but some days I feel it against me. I MUST keep telling myself that there is a reason that we travel between two countries constantly, and that it's the best that I can and am doing for her. I love her and I will never allow her to feel the affects of divorced parents...because I can't imagine her to have heartache. These past few days have made me realize, if anything, that your decisions affect more than just yourself.
If you could continue to send up some good words it would be much appreciated.
6 comments:
Hi Sonya, I admire your courage. Things may be difficult for you lately but it seems like you are not letting your daughter down in any way. By being strong for her and by the sacrifices you are making, you are teaching her the value of love and family. There are some things that you can't control and all you can do is go with the flow but by the way you are handling things, I am sure Maia will sail through life without having to experience the heartaches of what you are going through knowing she has a mom like you. Keep your head up high, you are doing a great job! Things will get better! :)
Aww Mama, I'm sorry that your having a rough go of it. I know how so so hard this life can be. My parents just separated last year (after 20 years of marriage) so I can relate to the pain you must be feeling around your mom.
And I know all to well that feeling of "temporary." Of always being in limbo. My son is 8 months and has already moved 3 times. Sometimes I feel like asking Him "when will this end." But you have to know that you are doing the very best you can by your baby.
I know that it helps to talk to someone who is going through the same things you are. Even if its just to commiserate. Dont hesitate to drop me a line if you need to talk.
Hang in there
Wow, this certainly sounds hard, but you are quite the tough mama for going through with this! One day your daughter will so appreciate what you're doing for her to ensure that she has a relationship with both her parents. I can relate to this temporary feeling you're going through. Maybe not quite to the extreme of hopping on planes all the time, but I've always had two different homes, bedrooms, lifestyles. Commuting between both houses that were so far away from each other on such a regular basis was hard. But I never wanted it any other way, because I had and still have a wonderful relationship with both my parents.
So good luck to you and your daughter. She is beautiful!
It's amazing what you are doing for Maia and for Jose. You should be proud. Hang in there, this is what parenting is all about. Xo
Hi. I just found your blog (because you commented on mine) and just wanted to say that I feel a kinship with you. I'm a young mama-to-be. Not quite as young as you were when you were in my shoes {pregnant}, but, by my family's standards, pretty-darn-young. I'm also turning 22 soon. Because of a lot of things out of my control, I'm living a sort of temporary life as well- back at home {ugh} while my husband is overseas. I grew up in a divorced family as well, but it happened in a different time (when I was a teen) that brought along its own challenges.
But I can tell already that you're a great mom :) and a strong woman. And you take wonderful pictures! And, I too, know how it feels to feel 30 or 40 or 50, even though you're 21. That's how I feel, too!
my parents were married for 24 years (my mom passed away last winter). they no longer slept even in the same room but never divorced because they didn't want me to be the child of divorced parents i respect them so much for that and i'm so unbelievably grateful for their sacrifices so i can promise you one day your daughter is going to be so grateful for everything you're doing now
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