my thoughts lately.

Happy Easter!!! We didn't celebrate it at all here, but that's okay. It feels like time has lost itself lately. I can't seem to find it and when I do, I have it for what seems like a few seconds. Maia is getting so big and so beautiful. Sometimes I just can't help myself. She's pretty amazing.

We leave Thursday. Big boooo. I cry a lot. I hate crying. I hate feeling like my heart is falling out of my body and being left for the world to see. I'm ready to leave Costa Rica but not Jose. I hit a point a while back where I was definitely uncomfortable here. Don't get me wrong, his family is wonderful, but it doesn't feel like home. I think besides my clothes (the only 4 pairs I have here) the only other visible objects of mine in the room are my make up bag and random post it notes I leave all around the room. Full of I love you notes or photography info. :] I know, I'm very unorganized. So I miss my room, my clothes, my stuff, my decorations & definitely my personal privacy. But not ready to leave Jose...don't think I ever quite could ready myself for that.

Upon returning to the states I officially start training to run a marathon in August. And since I have to pay for it before hand, it's definitely money I can't let go to waste so I have a reason to work for it and not slack. I'm actually really looking forward to completing this. I feel like lately I break a lot of my personal goals and in the end it just drives me more off the deep end into this drowning feeling I refer to as the "dark sadness".

Maia was sleeping last night and stopped breathing... I had happened to look down at her and noticed that she wasn't breathing and as soon as I noticed it she started weezing and gasping for air all the while losing color in her face. My heart must have stopped. Scariest feeling in the whole world. It felt like an out of the body experience.

Lately I've been scrolling through and reading HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of blogs and webpages devoted to photography. I feel like the more I read and learn the less I ever knew and the more I desire to discover the unknown. I've learned all sorts of great information and the information feels endless, limitless. Photography is like Music, you'll never hear it all but you get a lot of the same stuff. There's so many styles out there but a huge crowd devotes itself to the norm. My goal: to find my own style, one that sets me apart from everyone else. It's a great pass time. I really enjoy reading it for hours on end.
Anyways,
Just ME